Never let me go
by Anotherhumanbeing
Summary: And the next time he wakes up, she's not there. She's gone. He let her go.


**They see me rollin', they hatin'. WOO!**

The first time, he wakes up with a gasp, drenched in cold sweat, hands clutching at the sheets. His brain can't turn off, can't stop thinking about her, about what happened. It's stuck inside his head, memorized. And he can't take it out, can't forget.

He can't.

He rubs his eyes, puffy and red from all the crying, and looks down. There isn't even a stitch of clothing on him, and he remembers how he came home, blood on his clothes. Tearing his shirt apart, throwing the rest of the clothes to a corner. And he got into the shower, scratching his skin roughly with the sponge, wanting to tear that apart as well. He watched as the water turned red, how he crumbled in the shower and cried, cried until Martha came home and had to take him to bed like he was a little boy. Sobbing into his mother's shoulder.

Crying for what he lost.

A sharp intake of breath makes him turn around, stare at the woman next to him as she blinks twice and awakes. A small smile playing on her lips as she looks up at him. He doesn't ask, he scoops her up in his arms, holds her like never before. So tight, he thinks he's bruising her, hurting her. But he can't let go.

''Hey'' she simply says against his chest. He can't bring himself to answer, the lump in his throat is like a rope around his neck, gets tighter with every breath.

''Castle'' she pushes him a bit back, just to see his face and he tries to avoid her gaze. Those hazel eyes are full of life now, and yet they were empty and life less a few days back. She doesn't let him look away, holds his gaze locked with hers.

And then, the tears begin falling, streaming down his face and onto her cheeks as she rests her forehead on his.

''Don't cry, Castle. Please, don't cry'' she pleads him. But he's unable to stop. She wraps her arms around him, and his head finds a place on her chest.

He doesn't notice that her heart isn't beating though.

* * *

The second time, he finds her curled up against him on the couch. He had put a movie in the DVD player but he must have fallen asleep at some point.

''You fell asleep again'' she tells him, eats a handful of popcorn.

''You could have woken me up'' she smiles and he grins, and it all seems good when everything is ruined.

There are so many questions he wants to ask, burning inside him.

''Why are you here?'' he asks instead.

Her eyes find his.

He blinks once, and she's not there anymore.

* * *

The third time, he's sitting at the swings watching the parents with their children sitting or playing or passing by. He was lost in his thoughts when she appeared.

''What do you want me to do, Castle?'' she wonders. Fingers wrapped around the chains as she rocks back and forth slowly.

''I want you to stay'' he answers, begs her.

She shakes her head, ''I can't''.

''Why not?'' his voice is desperate, just like him.

He wants her back, his life is empty without her, worthless.

''Did you forget, Castle'' a smile appears on her face and then fades quickly ''I'm dead''

How could he forget? He couldn't even if he wanted to. The feel of her blood on his skin is still a fresh memory to him.

_''Stay with, god damn it. Don't leave me now. Don't, please''_

Death embraced her before the ambulance came. Before he had a chance to say goodbye.

''You shouldn't have done it'' he closes his eyes, holds the tears back ''You shouldn't have jumped in front of me''

''You would have done the same'' she shrugs ''It's done now, we can't do anything about it''

''That bullet was meant for me'' he shouts, drawing strange looks from the others around him ''For me, not for you'' it wasn't supposed to go through her heart.

''Well, at least we are ten-ten now. We are even'' she laughs at her own silly joke.

He stands on his feet, hands made into fists.

''I need you back'' he cries.

''There is a difference between want and need, Castle''

He turns to her, she disappears once more.

* * *

The fourth time, is the last one. The night before her funeral, he wakes up in the middle of it. Gasping for air. Drops of sweat rolling down the side of his head. He throws the covers back, swings his legs and places them on the floor.

''Don't you write Nikki Heat anymore?'' he hears the voice coming from his office, startling him. He gets on his feet and walks out of the bedroom, spots her running her fingers over the books he has on the shelves. Just like she did before.

''I can't write without my muse'' he folds his arms over his chest and leans against the door frame, watches.

She smiles at him ''Don't they deserve an ending though?A happy ending'' she drops her hand to her side.

To say that he didn't try to write one is a lie. He did try, but every time he wrote about Nikki he thought of her. And the conclusion of his writing was a scene, in which both of them died. Nikki and Rook.

''Can you do me a favor, Rick?'' she steps closer to him.

His reply is quick, predictable even ''Always''

''Can you promise me that you will give them the ending we didn't get?'' she says.

A tear runs down his cheek ''I promise'' he assures her.

''Thank you''

He runs a hand through his hair ''Kate'' he calls for her and she stands in front of him. He snakes his arm around her waist, pulling her closer, a breath away.

''Why do you keep coming back, Kate?'' she places her hands on his chest.

''Because you can't let me go'' she explains ''And you have to let me go, Castle''

''What if I can't?''

''You must''

He takes a hold of her face in hands and kisses her hard. One last kiss to his lover.

* * *

Ryan watches him from a distance while holding Jenny's hand. Esposito is close to him, one of his arms around Lanie's shoulder. Comforting her as she cries. Martha and Alexis are here too, Gates as well along with many people from the precinct. Castle is walking towards the casket.

''Goodbye, Kate'' he lingers over her for a minute, two, three. Places a red rose and then leaves.

Nobody questions as he strides fast to his car.

He opens the door of the loft, sits at the chair in his office and grabs his laptop. He writes until the sunlight of the next morning greets him. He gave them the ending they deserved, as she asked, the ending they didn't get.

And the next time he wakes up, she's not there.

She's gone.

He let her go.

* * *

_THOUGHTS!? _

_No? Nothing? Okay. I tried._

_Have a nice day._


End file.
